


Out Of His Closet

by Methoxyethane



Category: Bleach
Genre: Coming Out, Crack, F/M, Humor, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-11-11
Updated: 2007-11-11
Packaged: 2017-10-26 05:00:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 769
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/278981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Methoxyethane/pseuds/Methoxyethane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The question of what Ishida would do when he regained the ability to breathe still remained.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Out Of His Closet

It was a face off of epic proportions. The three women found themselves locked in a stare-down on the roof of the school, hovering over the reason of their war with equally menacing glares. The remains of their lunches long forgotten; around them, four spectators waited in anxious anticipation.

Keigo wailed. "Aw man! This is so not fair! Mizuiro has like, nine girlfriends, and now _Ichigo_ , of all people, ICHIGO, has the two hottest girls in our class fighting over him!"

"EXCUSE me?"

"Plus Tatsuki, too."

A muffled voice from Ichigo's bag shouted "I think Tatsuki's cute!" It was ignored. For the most part, Keigo was, too.

"Tell us, Ichigo. You can't keep us guessing like this forever." Rukia demanded.

Even the gentle Orihime looked grim and determined, "She's right, Kurosaki-kun. It's time to choose."

"Which one, Ichigo? Which one of us?"

Ichigo, for his part, managed to look more composed than a lesser man in his shoes might. Annoyance was all that showed on his face, rather than the great discomfort and unspeakable fear he actually felt.

"Well? Why aren't you saying anything?"

Ichigo sighed. "Because no matter what I say, I'm gonna piss _somebody_ off. There is no right answer!"

"There _is_ a right answer, though, moron! The damned truth!"

Ichigo scoffed. "Are you kidding? That'll get me in more trouble than anything! Believe me, no one wants truth. It'll just end up with me humiliated, and probably getting my ass kicked. Several times. There's no way in hell I'm answering, so you guys can stop this interrogation."

"Ichigo! If it's not one of the three of us than say so. You're not getting out of this until we have answers!"

"Well hell if you're gonna get any from me!"

The muffled voice broke through again, as Kon clawed his way out of the bag saying, "Ichigo, I don't understand why you can't just tell them about your massive crush on Ishida. I mean, they'll lay off once they know you're gay, don't you think?"

At this the entire rooftop stood still. Ishida's chopsticks fell out of his hand, and his jaw fell open in shock. Orihime turned bright red, and Tatsuki's gaped. Ichigo blanched in horror.

And, to Ichigo's ceaseless horror, Kon continued. "I mean, it's not like you don't have a shot with him- he's clearly gayer than an Easter parade. Did you see that awful thing he put me in? He laced me up like a French whore!"

Ishida, though not entirely recovered from his shock, still managed to mumble the defense of "I dressed you like a French _queen_ , you tasteless cad."

Keigo managed to shatter tension of the moment by wailing, "Oh my GOD, man! You're GAY? And not even _just_ gay, you're gay for that dork, of all people?" He was ignored.

"Kon, how the hell do you even know this?"

The plush got a tortured look on his face, "You're so lucky, Onee-san, when the dreams started you were already out of his closet in the other side of the house! I still have to share a room with him, though, and you wouldn't believe how awful it is to listen to the wet dreams of a teenage boy! It seems like every night it's-" It was at this point that Ichigo regained the ability to move, and he made full use of the newly reclaimed power in his limbs by grabbing Kon by the throat, tearing the doll's head off and throwing it off the side of the roof.

On his way down, the decapitated head screamed "OH GOD, YOU SICK BASTARD!" in a decidedly disturbing display of animation.

Everyone stared at Ichigo. It was Chad broke the uncomfortable silence, speaking for the first time all day. "I don't see why you all are so surprised. It seemed obvious."

"What? How was it obvious!" Rukia demanded.

"Oh. I suppose you guys aren't ever in the boys locker room when we change, so maybe you wouldn't notice."

Ishida turned an interesting shade of plum at this, and made a strange choking sound from the back of his throat. Ichigo made a strange whining noise that sounded suspiciously similar to the words "Oh god kill me now." Chad, being the only person who hadn't abandoned his lunch at this point, finished his onigiri.

Rukia hit her boiling point. "God DAMN it! First Nii-sama seduces Renji, and now _this_? Aren't there any straight guys left?"

Ichigo glared at her. "I friggin' TOLD you you didn't want to hear it."

Ichigo thought for a moment. "Also, Rukia, your brother's really hot."

Rukia screamed.


End file.
